Wednesday, January 20, 2010

And Then There Were Two...

It's said that 'one is the loneliest number' and when it comes to being an only child, no sentiment is more accurate. As a child, I longed for a sibling and loathed my parents for not giving me one. God finally sent my sister to me- granted she was a tween and I was an adult when it happened, but it finally happened none-the-less and our relationship was/has been everything I ever wanted.

So I was somewhat disappointed when I half-heartedly settled to not having any more children after my son. I knew what I would be selfishly damning him to but as a single mom- happy to be a single mom, where the heck was I going to dig out a sibling from?

I never figured there would be more than one. Then again, I never figured I would find someone worthy not only of my hand but of raising my son alongside me and look how that's turned out...

I often laugh at the path my life has taken with regards to motherhood. I laugh because I was always so adamant about not wanting children and I resolved to having one at some point simply to make my mother a grandmother. I used to think kids were gross, smelly, obnoxious little creatures that had no place in my life. I laugh (hysterically) in hindsight because I never realized how incomplete my life really was until my first came along.

He was sent to save me- I wholeheartedly believe that; to save me from distractions; to save me from complacency; to save me from myself. Mostly though, I believe he was sent to teach me the true meanings of love and life.

And for the past 6 and a half years I've made it my sole purpose to make sure the blessing was revered.

How could I not, though? This little boy who filled voids I never knew existed in me is beyond amazing. He is so much more than just my son. He's my heart, my soul, my teacher, my legacy; he IS my improvement to this world.

I've learned volumes more than just parenting skills as his mother. I've learned humility, the value of hard work, patience, leading by example, lullabies, true love and how to show it all.

I love him more than I could ever put into words. I love my life but, mostly, I love being a mother- specifically, his mother. So when I found out my husband and I were expecting our second child, I was excited but I was also apprehensive.

I wasn't just scared from the concerns stemming from losing our previous pregnancy , I was also worried about whether or not I could love another child as much as I loved my son.

How could I ever love anyone as much I love him? I'm even convinced I love him more than I love myself!

I wondered not only of the possibility but also about where this extra love would come from and the concerns about my son feeling less loved were also at the forefront.

No, the pregnancy was not as memorable as with my first and yes, I did have a 'been there/done that' attitude regarding every milestone but involving my son in his sister's progress is what made this pregnancy as special as his was. I made sure to include him in 9 months of his sister's progress in my womb; made sure he felt her kick; saw her pictures; and, grew to love her as she herself grew. All the while my love growing for each of them.

Then the big day arrived and while there were complications which prevented my husband and I from being able to hold her until she was about 5 days old, the moment I first held her, I knew.

I knew I could love her as much. I knew I would love her brother no less. I finally knew the answer to my questions.

It was so simple.

It is so simple.

I didn't have to love him any less to make room for loving her.

The moment she came into this world, my heart simply

Truth be told, I think my heart grew alongside her for those 9 months. While she technically grew under my heart for those 36 weeks, she also grew in it.

1 comment:

A wise friend once told me that the key to happiness was to 'Say what you mean and mean what you say'.