Miami Driving Guide: Somewhat Comical Survival Tips

Oy vay, or 'alabado,' as Miamians say; where to start. I guess I can start by saying this public service announcement is brought to you courtesy of one part third trimester hormones/discomforts/nuances and two parts road rage thanks to piss-poor, inept Miami drivers...that and my husband's newfound desire to have me drive him to work daily.

For starters, while I'm not a driving instructor/professional, I am a Miami native and have been a licensed, practicing driver for more than half my lifetime so I consider myself somewhat of an expert on the topic. Barring a couple of speeding tickets whilst still a teenager and a ticket for unsafe equipment (too dark tinted windows), my driving record also speaks for itself as to safety and compliance. Sooooo, listen up!

Before I delve into tips and what should be common, if not 'COME ON,' sense while driving, I think you need to familiarize yourself with the basic make-up of Miami's drivers. I'd venture saying only 5% of Miami's drivers can actually drive correctly; 20% are immigrants who just last year (make that last month) were driving/riding a bicycle in a third-world country where paved roads, road signs/driving laws or cars manufactured in this century do not exist; 10% do not speak English which, in my opinion, poses a serious risk considering road and street signs are in English; 5% are freshly licensed, INEXPERIENCED, teenage drivers who think they are invincible and own the road; 2% are tourists, regardless of what language they speak, armed with (and looking at) a compass, a map and a magazine cover featuring Miami Beach's famed deco sights; 8% are taxi drivers who for some ungodly reason think that they are entitled to drive however they please because they drive bright yellow vehicles which should make them conspicuous; 10% are octogenarians with failing vision who can barely see over the steering wheel anyhow; 30% are people using cell phones; 5% are people distracted by some other object, be it a book/magazine/newspaper, shaver, mascara, burger (note: these people are most often county bus drivers); 3% are intoxicated, in addition to already belonging to one of the aforementioned groups and I don't just mean alcohol either; and lastly, 2 % percent are law enforcement officials, usually also on cell phones, driving just as erratically as everyone else instead of ticketing these unsafe drivers. Once you understand who/what's around you, you'll fair much better.

Highway Driving

When driving on any highway in Miami, consider that for the most part, they are always backed up with traffic. This means that you need to keep a constant eye on your rear-view mirror at all times. Traffic on these expressways is almost always caused by dumbasses who rear-end other drivers and the rubber necking that ensues. While it is called 'bumper to bumper' traffic, be sure to leave about a car's length between you and the stopped car in front of you.

If you're fortunate enough to be able to use a highway at some rate other than stop-and-go, consider the following:

- speed limits

- turning indicators when changing lanes

- 99.7% of all exits are on the right

If you are going to drive the speed limit, or anything below it, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, please use the far right lane. Slow drivers- not offensive drivers contrary to popular belief, are the most common cause of road rage in our city. People have to rapidly adjust their speed to something considerably slower to accommodate to the turtle pace and most are so annoyed at having to do so that they tail gate, flash high beams, honk and begin to weave in and out of traffic to get around a slow driver. As a general rule of thumb, I only use the left lane when passing and even then, I immediately shift back safely to my right as soon as I can, using a turning indicator to advise other drivers of course. Rarely will I drive continuously in the left lane and reserve such driving practices for two instances, and these two alone: 1) transporting injured (usually involving profuse bleeding) people to hospital emergency rooms, or 2)increased speeds due to trying to find a place to relieve the added pressure of a growing baby on my bladder. Trust me, it's much safer than having to drive while peeing yourself. Basically, just remember that the left lane is for the faster drivers.

When passing or changing lanes, use your indicator- DUH. It's amazing that I even have to mention it but make sure to use the left and right one accordingly. Similarly, don't trust indicators all that much. Many people don't seem to know a) their left from their right, or b) that their indicator is on (Note: these folks are usually the octogenarians.)

When exiting the highway, there is abso-FRIGGIN-lutely no excuse for cutting across 5 lanes of traffic within 100 ft of your exit. There are huge road signs, usually placed over traffic to make them highly visible, advising you of oncoming exits and proximity. Begin to shift to your right when you see mention of your exit so you can make it across safely. Slamming on your brakes or cutting off other cars is going to cause one of two things: a serious accident or a serious contusion courtesy of another driver's road rage. Either way, you'll be branded a dumbass on that night's evening news roundup.

Note: I would ordinarily comment regarding 'passing on the right,' however it is legal to pass on the right in Florida as long as there are two or more lanes of traffic traveling in the same direction which is true for every one of Miami's highways. Granted, it is safest to pass on the left but not illegal to do so on the right so try to do so sparingly.

Driving on Surface Roads

Lord. Lordy, Lord, Lord. Surface roads rank up there with screaming babies and waxing if you ask me. People ignore traffic signals, crosswalks and basic courtesy as a whole. Even though you're in a car, just pretend you're on a bike and always be aware of your surroundings, practicing the 'look left, right, then left again' method.

When at an intersection, if you happen to the be the first car at a signal, count to 5 before you accelerate at a green light. For some reason, most drivers seem to develop color blindness at signaled intersections- it might be an effect of the heat, who knows but the last thing you need is to be T-boned when you didn't take that insurance coverage on your rental. Remember, you want to be lounging poolside not in a hospital bed. Similarly, when approaching an intersection, if the signal turns yellow, look in your rear view mirror to see how closely the car behind you is following before slowing to stop. Often times, drivers see this yellow signal not as an advisement to stop, but rather a warning that they need to hurry because the light will soon be red. Here again, quite possibly an effect of the heat.

Also while at intersections, keep an eye out for pedestrians. These people, probably also due to the heat, develop suicidal tendencies when crossing roads. If you find yourself a pedestrian in Miami, just remember that the little white walking guy displayed on the electric crosswalk signs is your notice to cross safely; the red hand is not. The red hand is not motioning you forward, nor is it waving at you to say 'hi.' If you happen to be driving on Miami Beach, be especially vigilant as pedestrians are THE BIGGEST road hazard. The locals are 'locos' and the tourists are spaced out so watch out.

You also need to keep an eye out for other drives turning into your path. While it may be the law in Florida, or simply just a safe practice every where else in the country, the majority of Miami drivers are not aware that when turning, you turn left to left and right to right. Just in case you're clueless as to what this means, I'll explain. When turning left, you are to turn from the far left lane into the far left lane and accordingly when turning right. Trust me, you will see people making left turns from the far left lane into the far right, turning right from the far right lane into the far left and even turning right from the far left lane. It's crazy, yes I know, but now you do too.

Special notations deserve to be made about driving around buses, cyclists or any vehicle displaying a 'baby on board,' 'honor roll student' or other family oriented sticker. These three think the roads belong to them.

Bus drivers know that no one wants to be stuck behind them because of their excessively slow speeds and constant stops. It is actually a law that you have to allow a bus to merge into traffic so many of them use this as carte blanche to just jump out in front of oncoming traffic...and it works for them so be careful when you see a bus stopped roadside loading/unloading passengers as they will not await an opportunity to merge back into traffic but rather just make one for themselves.

Cyclists, regardless of what you may think, are not damned to taking sidewalks. They are actually prohibited from riding on sidewalks and belong on the street. Florida statutes provide that cyclists be allowed to use traffic lanes, as many as two (riders) wide, when riding. This means they have as much right to be in that lane as you do so treat them as you would any other vehicle. Additionally, the law provides that when passing a cyclist, you must leave no less than one outstretched arm's distance between your vehicle and the cyclist so pass accordingly. Now, cyclists are crazy and when wearing helmets, have more blind spots than a race horse so don't follow too closely and be prepared for sudden, erratic behavior.

Soccer moms, or vehicles bearing family/child oriented, 'warning' stickers are the biggest crazies out there! These drivers are ALWAYS preoccupied with their phones, changing DVDs in onboard media players, screaming children..you name it! What's more- they don't want other drivers within a 200ft radius of their precious cargo. Make note: these are the most common instigators of the 'slam on my brakes when you tailgate me' practice so here again, drive accordingly.

Lastly, while containing some pretty useful tips, this guide is purely satirical and just me poking fun at and relieving some of the stress caused by the madness I see daily on Miami roads. Heck, we don't continuously earn the reverence of being the country's worst drivers for dubious reasons, you know.

Oh yeah, BUCKLE UP. That is the law. In Florida, 'click it or ticket!'

Offspring Revelry

Is there any greater feeling than the pride one feels when their children succeed?

I think not!

I have never felt more accomplished than I did yesterday as my gorgeous and intelligent beyond bounds 1st grader was presented with his (what I know will be the first of many) honor roll certificate.

Congratulations kiddo- mom and dad (and a whole slew of other folks) are very proud of you!

Architectural Association (excerpt 'Raising Nick' re: mistaken identities, vol:2)

Background info: while sitting on the floor at abuelo's house, putting together an obscene amount of lego vehicles Nick received for his birthday and watching CNN. Yes, I force the child to watch CNN. If I have to occasionally watch Hannah Montana, he has to occasionally watch CNN.

Story of interest: some Al Qaeda members captured with pictures of men in turbans flashed across screen.

Nick: Oh my gosh Mom! Look, they caught one of the pyramid men!!!

Abuelo and I: (looking at each other) Buwahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Honestly, I sometimes wonder why I even need to watch TV considering the amount of entertainment this kid provides.

Toddlers and Tiaras- More Like Terror and Trash

I have officially seen it all.

One of my favorite channels, TLC, has reached a new low- even for TV. Gone are the days when TLC was actually about LEARNING as it's named.

It used to have such cool shows about medical advances, complete with gory and bloody examples, and even frivolous fashion which was or was not helpful depending on your point of view. The shows have been replaced with PURE CRAP like the unreal Toddlers and Tiaras. I still don't understand how they can air shows like A Baby Story and have this trash on there as well. The Duggars should be insulted to be seen on their channel along with trash like Toddlers and Tiaras.

Before I go into a tirade about the show, I want to make it perfectly clear that my issue is not with pageants in general. Yours truly is a former Little Miss Sunburst. Thankfully my mother had the friggin' sense to pull me out of such nonsense when she saw what actually goes on behind the scenes.

She laughs as she tells me how she marched her ass on stage to pull a toddler me off when I won the award. Her motivation: other mothers yelling that their daughters were cuter, better, more talented, etc... Her eloquent response to judges who told her she couldn't do that: "You're crazy if you think I'm going to let my two year old stand there and be insulted by these idiots. Take your $2 piece of fabric and your rhinestone crown and shove it up your ass!" Sometimes I wish I had her candor, but I digress...

Some people chastise pageants because they say the girls are primped with make-up and outfits that make them look like baby prostitutes. Personally I think that's a bit extreme. You have to be a sick individual to see a little girl younger than 8 in a sexual light. Are there sickos out there? Yes, but not THAT many.

I think some of those skimpy outfits are no more or less than what you see on the same aged kids at the beach- minus the make-up, fake eyelashes and hair pieces, of course. But the garb and primping is not really unlike what normal mothers put on their daughters for innocent ballet recitals and gymnastics meets. I think it's pretty hypocritical to chastise a pageant because the little girls' costumes often consist of skin tight leotards while they are covered in make-up when any annual visit to see the Sugar Plum Fairy has young girls dressed in equally tacky and shiny outfits. Yes the pageants center around the superficial premise of beauty but a lead role in a ballet recital is attributed to the one that can raise her leg highest. Again, you have to be a sicko to interpret either of those as anything but cute.

Then there are those, like me, that center their gripes on that superficial premise of beauty. Unlike adult beauty pageants which regularly highlight a contestant's community involvement, kiddie pageants just judge these little girls on their looks and stage presence. First off, is it really a good idea to make a little girl's first lesson in life that you're no one unless you're pretty? Who wants to be an astronaut, a doctor, or even president (insert valley-girl like accent here) when you can be pretty and have a crown? Yuck. But wait- they have talent portions too, right?

Puhlease. Take a look at those talent sections. I'm sorry, but unless you have a baby prodigy the likes of Mozart or a Mensa card carrying toddler, you can't call those talents. Sure it's cute that their little princesses can sing the Star Spangled Banner while dressed in Betsy Ross' best, I give them that, but it's really just high-pitched vocals a la a Chucky doll. Now, if the vocals happen to attract sea life, I have to say that's a talent...

Also unlike adult beauty pageants, these little girls often have no choice regarding their participation- regardless of what mommy dearest says. Maybe I'm wrong and have led a somewhat sheltered life but I have never met a little girl that preferred to walk in circles and perfect a wave over playing at the park or having a tea party. (For the record, I preferred the park.) The pageants are overflowing with little girls throwing tantrums. Can you blame them though? Their mothers are slowly but surely killing them and the Ozone layer with their incessant hair spraying! Pageant moms of toddlers have to be the scariest thing out there. Your supposed to love your kids; teach them how to be good, productive members of society and instead the bulk of these women browbeat their toddler daughters for the sake of some cash and a rhinestone tiara that will ultimately do nothing but collect dust on a shelf.

Incidentally, this is going to sound completely assholish, like I care, but is it me or do all these "I was also a pageant participant as a kid' pageant moms get beaten with the proverbial ugly stick somewhere between participating in pageants and becoming mothers? Honestly, they are all grossly, I mean 'take up three seats on a plane' overweight, balding and have NASTY looking teeth? It's not nice to make fun of other people but it's pretty fucking ironic that THESE women are the ones forcing their daughters into situations where they are judged on superficial characteristics.

The bad words are coming out so I guess this is the point where I have to start explaining where my fervor/anger is coming from....

During my bout of insomnia last night, FML, I had the unpleasant experience of finding the repeat of the new season premier of TLC's Toddlers and Tiaras. I admit, I wanted to watch because the show began with this cute little, JonBenet Ramsey look-alike, full of spunk and attitude which was too cute. Her mother, and the $70,000 she stated she's invested in her 4 yr old's pageant experiences was WAAAAAAAY over-the-top, but the little girl seemed to genuinely enjoy the pageants. Yes she threw a tantrum here and there but Nick throws tantrums at swim classes. The mom did seem loving and encouraging towards her daughter versus manipulative and domineering and even mentioned that her daughter hadn't been feeling well, was taking her to the doctor and pulling her from the pageant if she was sick; so she seemed like she was a good mom. She entertained/comforted her daughter with hairpiece adorned hand puppets, which I did find weird, but hey- Nick is comforted by a raggedy old bear he's had since birth. To each his own I guess- unless you're referring to the abomination of a mother that followed. The horrid Jamie Sterling.

This horse-mouthed bitch should be removed from the gene pool- IMMEDIATELY! This self-proclaimed former pageant queen, was the mother of 5 girls. Oy-vay, las pobres angelitas. The eldest were twins- 'fraternal' as the mother numerously noted. One of the twins, the one the asshole mother said 'looked most like mommy' (BreAnn), was 'the prettiest of all (her) daughters,' something she exclaimed loudly in front of all of them. The other twin, AshLynn, was this shy mouse of a girl- and it wasn't any wonder as to why after having watched the show.

The mother- crap I can't call her that because she's an insult to loving mothers everywhere; I'll call her douchebag from here on out. So, douchebag constantly told AshLynne that she walked, stood, smiled and spoke incorrectly. Douchebag encouraged BreAnn to shit on her twin by giving her the nicer crowns, outfits and even saying that BreAnn was better. Hell, when asked about pageants, BreAnne stated she loved them 'because she always got to beat (her) sister.' whereas AshLynn stated she 'wished (she) didn't have to do them because she didn't like competing against (her) sister.'

When they were looking at the dresses in the closets, AshLynn's dress had a ruffle torn from the bottom and douchebag went off on a rant about how the judges were going to take points away from her for it. The little girl started to cry but did douchebag comfort her? No way. She turned to BreAnn and told her not to worry that 'mommy had ordered her a pretty, new, special dress that was sure to win.' She looked at the sobbing twin and told her 'maybe I can sew your dress but I really don't have time' and walked off.

Dad was clearly the battered wife in that household although he somewhat redeemed himself later on in the show. He stated that he didn't agree with his wife's pageant aspirations for their daughters but he wanted to keep a unified parenting front. Are you fucking kidding me? Your wife is mistreating your kids and you prefer that over having your kids see you argue with your wife? WHAT A PUSSY! PUSSY! PUSSY! He even helps his wife put fake nails on their daughters as his wife screams at him for doing it all wrong.

The pageant was well, a pageant. Primped and shiny, life-sized dolls all over the place. Even one nutso with a two-week old infant, granted her 7 yr old seemed to be having fun and was generally well-rounded....for a pageant boy...Again, I digress.

Douchebag focused all her attention on BreAnne, who was a COMPLETE BRAT, for the duration of the pageant. Douchebag would smile big, as if there was any other type of smile for someone sharing Mr Ed's chompers, and encouraged BreAnn by standing in the front row, applauding and mimicking routines so BreAnn wouldn't get stuck. Douchebag showered BreAnn with accolades and compliments. In stark contrast, she would stand cross-armed and sour-faced when AshLynn was up and did nothing but criticize her and tell her she did things wrong. She never bothered fixing her dress and another pageant mom, upon seeing AshLynn upset, just cut it off. Poof! Problem solved and little girl smiling brightly in a matter of seconds- thanks to a stranger.

When BreAnn's bratty tantrums and bossy nature got to be too much to handle, and honestly- you couldn't help disliking this little brat thanks to douchebag, Dad finally grew a pair. He pulled her from the pageant and that was that. Douchebag was pissed. So was I when AshLynn was 2nd runner up and BreAnne was 1st. Luckily, Dad punished her so she missed out on the crowning ceremony; that, and AshLynn won the Director's Choice. The pageant director announced loudly that she was impressed with how AshLynn carried herself and tried so hard. She told AshLynn that she received the 'special' award and that she had been her favorite. Douchebag's comment- 'of course I never expected it. AshLynn was terrible and BreAnn was the winner.'

I really dislike douchebag Jamie Sterling- REALLY.

Even though Dad finally grew a pair at the end of the show and pulled bratty BreAnn from the show AND AshLynn won the Director's Choice in show including the super-sized trophy and handful of balloons, douchebag still tried to demean her. As AshLynn offered her douchebag-in-the-making sister BreAnn her balloons to comfort the spoiled little brat, the sister replied 'you didn't win. I beat you. Mommy told me I did better!' I cheered as Ashlynn removed BreAnn's arm from her shoulder when she said that. FYI: the twins are 6.

Someone please find this little girl-AshLynn, and take her away from this horrible douchebag bitch. My heart aches for this unknown little girl who deserves to be loved. I want to find her and cover her in kisses, toys, cupcakes and if she wants, I'll buy her a HUGE tiara just for her although I'm pretty sure she won't want one and that's perfectly fine with me.

This sorry ass, douchebag of a mother from nowheresville deserves to have her nose rubbed in cat shit for hours. She is living proof that being ugly is not just skin deep.

Incidentally, I joined this group on Facebook today.

Ch-ch-chia Obama

Looks like Santa is getting my list early this year!



Even I can't resist this.

There are two versions available for preorder: Happy and Determined.

Dime Con Quien Andas y Te Dire Quien Eres.

My grandma is a smart lady. Me? Not so much. You'd think I would have learned to listen by now but no.

In high school, I had a pal who she despised. She said this girl was trash- from the way she dressed, to the things she said to the way she carried herself. My grandma was adamant that this friend was "no good." Completely devoted to my friendship and determined to prove granny wrong, I ignored her wisdom and trekked on.

Many years and negative situations later, I walked into granny's home one day with my proverbial tail between my legs and admitted defeat. How is it that it took me years to realize something she knew at first glance? Wisdom, I tell you, it eludes me.

But did I learn? No siree.

She was right about other friends and every boyfriend she ever met. In hindsight, I realize they were lessons I had to learn on my own but I sure would have saved myself from some uncomfortable situations not to mention tears had I listened to her. I might have saved others too.

Case in point:

A few years back, I took up a new job. Bosses seemed cool even though all they did was argue when in each other's company and gossip REALLY nasty shit about each other when the other was out. The wife never missed an opportunity to mention her mother-in-law's loose ways or the volatile relationship between her husband and his father, who she claimed was a junkie moocher. Well, that and how she was the brains behind the operation citing her husband's judicial indiscretions in two states and miserable credit. The credit issue was always funny because she would point up her nose as she exclaimed that her credit was perfect. He was also a work of art and not far behind her.

He would always talk about other women associated with the business, give out secrets regarding other coworkers including mental instabilities and employment truths related to some writers. He would tell me to brush off his wife's attitude and chalked up her frigidness to her jealousy of her sister's family. She wanted nothing more than to have a family like her sister but he was not ready for it. She couldn't find medical coverage either and I admit, it was my pity that made me warm up to her.

I felt sorry for her and to a certain extent, him too. These two had no real friends in town and had to create and fund social events just to have company. Even the invitees were paid. Heck, that junkie moocher father even commented at how they had to pay for their company. It was all-around sad and the puppy rescuing Libra in me wanted to help them.

Their gripes never really bothered me because they weren't aimed at me and never having been married, I chalked it up to marital stress and just wanting to bitch to someone; so I listened...and followed that with a HUGE mistake, I invited them into my home and to my family events.

It was a mistake only because I didn't heed the advice of some in my inner circle.

Inviting them to a weekly dinner party, no one failed to comment that something wasn't right with them. They couldn't wait for them to leave. One pal even went as far as saying they were swingers and trying to get me to swing with them...yuck. It got me thinking though, he did mention many female things often and while I'm not sure it was sexual harassment, it did make me feel uncomfortable.

But that wasn't the only critique. I invited them to my son's birthday.

They weren't there for more than 3 minutes before my granny approached me asking me who they were. I explained they were my bosses.

"Tu ten cuidado Susana. Esos dos estan llenos de maldad."

I swear she's clairvoyant because she never even spoke a word to them.

As the years went by, and they repeatedly screwed over employees and vendors, one after another, I realized that maybe granny was right. Their misery was not misery at all-it was a con to get people to warm up to them. Little by little, my opinion of them changed with every negative word they spoke about other employees while playing nice to their faces. I lost all respect when they scammed their partner, the person who helped them build their business, out of his share in a new venture, ultimately kicking him out.

Their attitude towards me changed when I met my now husband. They had nothing nice to say about him, even though they had yet to meet him, always warning that I should concern myself with my son and my work and not some guy. Their paid invitations to top-notch restaurants and weekend outings increased and as my social calendar filled more with my fiance and less with their dinners, their demeanor changed. My paychecks were suddenly short and other employees began sharing the things they were saying about me. When I inquired as to the amounts and gave proof that i was tracking my sales, she developed the tell-tale defensiveness of someone caught red-handed. My final straw was when I found out I was pregnant and the wife said "why would you go and do that?"

It really was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders when they were out of my life so when a former coworker came to me with some concerns she and a two others were having, I hesitated to advise her. After all, la mierda apesta cuando se revuelve.

She explained how she and two others were also questioning their paychecks but were afraid to ask. I held my tongue and told her she should speak with them and not me. Having heard through the proverbial grapevine the libelous comments they were making about me, I kept every communication between my former coworker and I just to cover my own a$$ just in case it was another of their scams.

I was not shocked when that same former coworker approached me last week advising she had been let go because she was still conversing with me. What's more? Her friend, who I've never met, was also fired 'for not telling them' that the other one was speaking to me.

What the hell kind of JR High school shit is that?

She was livid and I finally explained to her the intricacies of how my employment with them ended. I explained how I had copies documenting how they had not paid me; documents proving their pay scale was NOT what they claimed it to be; and juicy stories they had told me about certain bloggers' true identities and workplaces; cracks they had made re: certain 'parents' and a little-known drug secret. I admit, it was gossipy but I felt vindicated.

The proof was finally in the pudding!

She was itching for revenge but I explained, as did a few others according to this former coworker, that she needed to disassociate herself from these folks. There was no need for getting even and those two weren't worth the effort.

We laughed in unison when we realized the underlying premise that we had each tried to avoid: misery loves company and anyone who has to pay their friends and family to interact with them is certainly miserable.

A week later, this former coworker's smile is shining brightly again and I have only one thing to tell her: welcome back to the real world. Welcome back to the place where real friends don't stab you in the back.

That and ALWAYS listen to your grandma.

Sand between my toes

I'm at a loss for words and really, where I am, I don't need them.